Mass producing my own peanut butter should have been a piece of cake, as I had most of the ingredients lying around anyway. Even the various glycerides – like a sucker, I kept a huge jar of the things just sitting in my fridge collecting dust. The one component I actually had to go out of my way to obtain was the rapeseed.
 

 
My logic was that I’d process my own vegetable oil, yielding a fresher, more delicious product. I had to hit up some pretty shifty looking websites to find rapeseed, but once it arrived in the mail, I was ready to get growing. Much to my surprise, planting the rapeseed didn’t produce the beautiful yellow flower shown here, but an odd, human-shaped mound. It started out fairly small – about the size of a child – but quickly grew to resemble a fully matured man within a week. Unfamiliar with these things, I’d casually stroll out and water the thing daily, occasionally reassuring my neighbors that I didn’t have a corpse buried in my backyard. I think they were okay with it.
 
Then one day the person-shaped mound was gone, with a big hole where it used to be. I thought maybe some gophers were the culprit, and chalked things up to poor pest control. But later that night, as I slept comfortably in my bed, I was knocked to the floor by a swift kick to my midsection. Before I knew what hit me, my head was being pretty firmly against the hardwood paneling as my pants were being ripped from my body. For the next several hours I was anally violated by someone, or some thing covered from head to toe in what I swear to god was dirt from my very own garden. It was the most brutal and horrifying experience a human being could possibly withstand.
 
I guess I bought the wrong seeds!