Life is a smoldering pile of garbage, but the month of October brings us the luxury of impersonating someone else for a while. Whether or not it’s for a Halloween party is your business, but it’s always fun to reap the benefits of playfully assuming someone’s identity. Just ask my dad, who’s been wearing a hilarious prisoner outfit for well over ten years.
Promptly selecting a Halloween costume isn’t easy, especially if you’re like me and you tend not to consider things that aren’t day-to-day hassles. That’s why the Party City Halloween Catalog appears in our mailbox, to remind us of our seasonal obligations and present an array of garment choices, most of them traditionally irritating.
For men, there are dozens of pimp costumes, which means nothing but trouble for the pimping industry. That super-fly gear is supposed to set you apart so folks can take you up on your offer of fine, fine whores for low, low prices. You can’t succeed when every other would-be ladies man with a hint of chest hair and a cabinet full of Axe body spray is in your work uniform. It’s unfair, much like if you’re an adult woman and you don’t have tremendous legs, you’re pretty much fucked. A solid ninety percent of the costumes designed for females over five feet tall are “naughty,” as has been the case for quite a while. My annoyance over this fact is finally less pronounced than my arousal over this fact. What gets to me these days is this:
Why wouldn’t a Batman costume include gloves? All Batman costumes should include gloves. There’s no way the world’s greatest detective would jump around town leaving his fingerprints all over the goddamn place. Forget Halloween, I’m just going to write angry letters for a solid month.