An’ I know a thing or two about fish, bein’ a fisherman meself back in Australia. Used to be I would sit out theya in me boat soakin’ up the sun all the toime. But a’course these days I’m with me woman, Sue. She’s a real city slicka, that one. But it’s alroight, I’m learnin’ ta adjust ta the concrete outback, one ‘ilarious misadvencha at a toime.
 
Why, I rememba when me and Sue first mit. She was sent down unda by her dad’s newspaper ta cova a mysterious “crocodile man.” Yours truly, Mick Dundee. It seemed me mate Charlie had spun a pretty tall tale, as he’s one ta do. Made me out ta be somethin’ of a supa man. So I did me best ta impress the lass, tryin’ ta live up ta me image. An’ afta a few noights of sleepin’ on the ground and eatin’ things that taste loike shit but aren’t, she fell in love with me.
 
But that’s only ‘alf the story. She brought me back wiv ‘er!
 
I can’t even descroibe the shenanigans I got inta once I arroived at the big apple. Escalata mishaps, muggin’s and counter-muggin’s, and repeatedly cuckolding Sue’s perficly suitable fiance. Everthin’ was just roight, and I couldn’t have been more ‘appy with me new sheila by me side. Hell, I physically stepped on otha people ta get to ‘er once. Guess I’m a bit of a dick that way.
 
Runnin’ afoul a some Colombian drug lords got us in a pickle, but it was nothin’ a flight back to Australia an’ foolin’ some bloke inta murderin’ his boss couldn’t fix. It was afta that when me an’ Sue decided to settle down togetha, back in me homeland. An’ truth be told, it was total bliss for a good long whoile. But what was next for us?
 
We stopped fooling ourselves, that’s what. My crazy foreigner shtick ran dry pretty quickly. It’s hard to maintain when every other asshole in town wears the same goofy hats and wrestles dangerous animals to the ground, too. And Sue quietly longed for the big city more and more every day. But we pushed forward regardless. Over ten years, just going through the motions. We had a kid together, and that was exciting enough for a while. But we both needed to escape. We needed some excitement. Anything to recapture the magic from when we first met.
 
Then one day, Sue gets a call from her dad’s newspaper. They want her to go to Los Angeles. Crikey, we’re back in business! I packed me hat an’ me accent, an’ we trotted off to California as a family. She basked in every square inch of concrete she could, and I said g’day to every dipshit I’d see. It was like the good ol’ days all ova again. An’ we neva looked back – after that we started traveling all ova the country, stayin’ in fancy ‘otels an’ spouting gibberish to everybody. ‘Cause it seems to me, some fish belong outta wata.
 
Your pal,
Mick Dundee